Worst Ideas Ever: Why Are Cars So Bloody Big These Days?
Or: There’s nothing “mini” about a Mini when it now has the footprint of a small bungalow
This idea came from Andy Hindley in Twickenham, who recently looked at a modern Mini, looked at an old Mini, and reasonably concluded that somebody, somewhere, has completely lost the plot.
Because there is now quite literally nothing mini about a Mini.
The original was a shoebox on wheels. Today’s version is roughly three times the size, with the turning circle of an aircraft carrier but the boot space of a backpack.
And it’s not just the Mini.
Cars everywhere have ballooned — swelling, bulging, expanding — while the rest of the world (notably parking spaces) shrinks like a wool jumper in a hot wash.
So why are cars so bloody enormous in 2025?
1. Safety. Allegedly.
Manufacturers claim bigger equals safer.
Perhaps — for the people inside the rolling fortress.
For everyone else — pedestrians, cyclists, lampposts, postmen, small ornamental hedges — these things are roaming, high-bonneted intimidation machines.
We’ve created vehicles so tall you could film a David Attenborough documentary from the driver’s seat.
2. Sustainability? Absolutely not.
We’re now sold the idea of “eco-friendly SUVs.”
This should be linguistic contraband.
Yes, electric drivetrains are cleaner in use.
But sustainability is about using less, not constructing a battery-powered penthouse suite for someone whose longest journey is the school run.
Which brings us neatly to…
3. The absurdity of local life
Have you seen the school run in any suburb from Twickenham to Tunbridge Wells?
Convoys of vast SUVs — cars designed for deserts, mountain passes, and minor military operations — all travelling 0.8 miles to drop one child at school.
A parade of parents piloting vehicles wider than a small London road, all doing journeys that could be done in:
• a small car,
• a bike,
• or frankly, a light jog.
It’s like using a sledgehammer to crack a pistachio.
4. Meanwhile, parking spaces are getting smaller
This is the true comedy of modern motoring.
Cars are getting bigger.
Parking bays are getting smaller.
And supermarkets expect you to interpret white lines as… a suggestion?
We now have the great national pastime of watching someone attempt to reverse a giant SUV into a space designed in 1990, when most cars were essentially wheeled Tupperware.
5. Necessary? Don’t be daft.
Do you need a seven-seat thunderbus to travel half a mile to Pilates?
Do you need a bonnet so high you can’t see toddlers, bollards, or entire hatchbacks in front of you?
Do you need a vehicle wider than the country lanes you insist on driving down?
No.
You need a car that fits your street, your life, and ideally the parking space outside Waitrose.
So here’s a thought: tax them more.
Not out of spite. Out of logic.
If your car weighs more than a medium-sized elephant, it should pay for the damage it does.
If it can’t fit within two lines in a car park without diagonal experimentation, you’re in premium territory.
If the headlights sit at a height that fries the retinas of anyone in front of you, that’s a luxury surcharge.
We don’t need bigger.
We need sensible.
Small cars weren’t a quaint relic — they were a brilliant idea.
Turning them into oversized lifestyle accessories is, without question, one of the worst ideas ever.
Comedy Disclaimer
For legal, emotional and neighbourhood-WhatsApp-group harmony:
It’s not just the Mini. Other formerly-small cars are available — sadly, most now roughly the size of modest holiday rentals. Any resemblance between this article and your own driveway is purely coincidental, although if you’re currently trying to park something enormous in a very small space… well, you know exactly what we mean.
Call To Action
Got a local school-run monster clogging up your street?
Driving something labelled “compact” that could comfortably host a dinner party?
Send pics. Name the culprits. Join the debate.
Let’s catalogue the Worst Ideas Ever — one oversized “small” car at a time.